Let's Make It Official

I’m marrying my sister next weekend.

By which I mean, I’ll be officiating her wedding to her longtime boyfriend Alex. (And no, I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of the ambiguity in that sentence.)

Maryland law allows anyone to perform a wedding, so long as they are ordained by a church or organization. Any church or organization. Maryland don’t care.

I identify as UU. Now, despite how many times my friend Kevin drunkenly rants at me that “Unitarian Universalism isn’t a religion! It’s a social club!”, they take ordination fairly seriously. It’s a years long process requiring a great deal of energy, dedication, and time. And, as I said, the wedding is in a week. So that won’t work. (Judaism, needless to say, is a no-go too.)

Once I embraced the concept of instant internet ordination, my first impulse was to become a minister of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Think about how many puns I could make about the bride and groom using their noodles, or getting sauced at the reception! However, you have to pay twenty whole dollars to get a certificate.

Alternatively, there is the Church of the Latter-day Dude. You can become a Dudeist minister for free. But I feel like that’s such a predictable choice for a Hampshire alum.

Slightly more respectable choices include the Universal Life Church (“We are all children of the same universe!”), the Spiritual Humanist Church (“We can solve the problems of society using a religion based on reason.”) and the First Church of Atheism (“We have faith solely in humankind, nature, and the facts of science.”) Which… meh. I feel like going the slightly more respectable route kind of defeats the point.

What do you all think? Which one would you choose? Have I missed any?