A Christmas Present

Ah, Christmas Eve in a Jewish/agnostic household. My tummy is full of Chinese food and my stockings stuffed with feet.

But I did get a present today - my dad dug up an old school assignment of mine and sang it to me. I’d date it to about 8th grade. In the spirit of the holidays, I’m going to share it with you all.

A Civil War Song (sung to the tune of Gilligan’s Island)

Sit right back and you’ll hear a tale a tale of a civil war with more American casualties than ever were before (than ever were before)

It started with the first Bull Run where Jackson routed the north then McClellan at the Peninsula Campaign he just went back and forth (he just went back and forth)

Then Lincoln fired McClellan just like Steinbrenner fired Billy Martin they all went to Antietam where they had to have post mortems (they had to have post mortems)

That was all Lincoln needed to give his proclamation but it was all political and no emancipation (and no emancipation)

Burnside won at Fredericksburg and Hooker at Chancelorville but they didn’t have very long careers unlike Cecil B. DeMille (unlike Cecil B. DeMille)

Then Meade beat Lee at Gettysburg and Lincoln cried “four score!” Grant came in at Vicksburg where they really won the war (they really won the war)

The fought at Port Hudson and Sherman scorched Atlanta he burned and pillaged the city but he still was Lincoln’s santa (he still was Lincoln’s santa)

Then on to the Wilderness Campaign and to the harbor cold but there was only one more battle left! The war was getting old. (the war was getting old)

At Appomatax Courthouse Lee finally surrendered that’s where the civil war left off and where this song is ended (and where this song is ended)