Romeo v Juliet
The players
ROMEO Montague, Pitcher for the New York Yankees
Jason JULIET, Backup Shortstop for the Boston Red Sox
ROMEO:
But, soft! what force through yonder ballfield sweeps?
It is Yankee Stadium, and Juliet is the wind!
Arise, fair batter, and clear away the runners,
who are already tired and pale with grief,
That thou, their backup, are far more hale than they:
Be not their backup, since they are envious,
Their polyester uniforms are but wrent and red,
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.
It is my shortstop; O! it is my love:
O! that he knew he were.
He speaks, yet he says nothing: what of that?
His eye discourses; I will answer it.
I am too bold, ‘tis not to me he speaks:
Two of the foulest coaches in all the league,
Having some advice, do entreat his bat
To rest upon his shoulder till they decree.
The sinew of his swing would shame those coaches
As Achilles doth a Trojan; his muscles in magazines
Would through the glossy pages rise and taper
That readers would gasp and think it were not paper.
See! how he leans his cheek upon his hand:
O! that I were a batting glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek.
JULIET
Ay me!
ROMEO
He speaks:
O! speak again, bright batter; for thou art
As glorious to this day, being sixty feet six inches away from me,
As is a ball hit sharp in my direction
Unto my glove upturned and steady hand
it sails upon the bosom of the air.
JULIET
O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy manager, and refuse thy pinstripes;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I’ll no longer be a Red Sock.
ROMEO
[Aside.] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
JULIET
‘Tis but thy team that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself though, not a Yankee.
What’s a Yankee? it is not hand, nor foot,
nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O! join some other team:
What’s in a team? that which we call a Yankee
On any other team would play as well;
So Romeo would, were he not a Yankee call’d,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy team;
And for that team, which is no part of thee,
Take all myself.